Courage

I found Scabs three years ago in a very low place in my life. I had discovered yet another undisclosed episode of my husband acting out with pornography on our home computer. I was in full spin...why did he lie to me again? Why does he do this to me? Why does this keep happening? I told him the last time that I would leave him if I ever found it again...and here it is, now what?

I can't remember how I found her, but that night as I contemplated what to do with my husband's best-kept secret, I found myself on Scabs' blog for the first time. I read for hours. Here was someone who I had never met who understood my pain, understood my shame, my grief, my spin...and she had the courage to look it all in the face and take it on in a very real way. I read one of her posts about how to confront a liar, rehearsed the exact words she used with her husband until I had it down. Then I did it word for word how she did and was blown away at how empowered I felt. It was a small victory for me after 14 years of lies and discoveries and tears. I did not blame and shame him, I let him own it, the way Scabs did, and a new life opened up in front of me. What if his sexual acting out wasn't my fault? What if he needed to own it and I stepped away from his recovery? How would that look and feel? Would I lose him? What about the part of me that I had lost already? Why isn't that important? 

As I read Scabs stories, she was so raw and real. She took ownership for her health and recovery from a life of betrayal and left her husband's mess where it belonged. And it inspired me. I wanted that kind of power. To learn to love myself regardless of his choices, because I had worth, where I had not felt it in years. 

It was two years later that an opportunity came up for me to attend one of Scabs' retreats. I remember when she interviewed me on the phone it was like speaking to a long lost friend. She was so real, so understanding, so personable, and so certain. I felt her steadiness and wanted it too. The retreat was like oxygen to me.

I learned about breathing, and wholeness, and listening to my body to know what is good for me and what isn't. I felt friendship and kinship with women I never would have known except through their similar trials, and I will forever be grateful for Scabs' devotion to healing that brought us together.

And, while my husband's addiction got worse and our marriage fell apart, because of what I learned from Scabs, first as an anonymous blogger and later as a dear friend, I am in a strong place. Better than I was that day three years ago when I was losing my mind over what I had found on the computer. Better than any place I could have imagined for myself. Because now, I have the tools to look inside myself, own what is mine and let go of what isn't, get grounded, honor my emotions and my body, breathe, recover, LIVE, and be real. I would recommend Scabs to anyone. She has helped me change my life in ways I would have never known possible.