|Screenshot from 1929 film, The Letter|
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Read the previous entry here.
Revenge sex. Seems like a possible good idea. Revenge of any kind seems like a good idea. I deserve some kind of delicious revenge.
I've gone mental, berserk! My vision is blurry and clouded with seething anger. Still in denial...could this really be him? This guy? I just can't get over it.
When I see his face I think, "No, not my husband. This can't be real."
I see his hands and I think, "Those hands that I loved. Those hands that built my home. Those hands that cradled my babies. Those hands that caressed my body. I HATE THOSE HANDS! He touched all those girls with his hands. They were MY hands!"
The sight of his skanky mitts reels me into hysterical fits!
How many nights did I lay in our bed, ignored, crying. Wishing those hands would touch my body, exciting my skin, building my flesh, hot and torrid. I wish his hands would spend lazy moments feeling my femininity craving my soft skin. Why couldn't I be his sex addiction? That all seems lost. Now, I can see why our sex life was dis-passionate and grey.
It wasn't always him. Babies and stress affected my sexuality. When I tried, he didn't want to talk about it. Being monogamous and creating a tender and passionate sex life isn't easy. For me, nothing effected our closeness and intimacy more than his use of pornography. I hate it.
Pornography takes the beauty out of being woman. Robs us of our sensuality and confidence between the sheets. Steals love and respect from the man we care about. For me, I grew a serious aversion to my husband. He was filthy. Pornography turns men and women into ugly empty shells...far from the purpose of being a couple. There is a profoundness and depth to a monogamous relationship, to a love that is more than just self-serving orgasm.
I know this isn't a popular opinion. I'm always jarred by how many women I meet who say, "What's the problem, it's just porn.?" This idea might be old school, pre-feminist, pre-bra burning. I believe in real love without bleached sphincters and comically disproportionate implants. I love my real body and I want to share with a man who values a deep full-bodied connection. Not the concocted lies of glassy "perfection". Be real.
I know there are women out there who agree, who say, "porn is a problem." It's not a victim-less habit.
As much as I long for that touch, for that comfort I can't. It is for all the reasons above that I simply cannot open my legs for revenge sex.