Scab's Guide to Post D-Day Love Making

Scab's Guide to Post D-Day Love Making
circa 2009 -Riding the Bull at Big Kahuna
My cousin is a genius whitewater raft guide.  She sits calmly at the rear of the boat calling out commands and laughing as we navigate the violent turbulence and undercurrents, huge rocks and drops and eventually fall into the fantastically dangerous hazard of Big Kahuna!  The rivers roaring climax!

The nose of the raft is called the Bull. If you are absolutely brave or a frenzied lunatic you might ride the Bull, bearing into what seems to be your departure from this world!  Straddling the Bull, both hands looped tightly around the ropes, your thighs grabbing the sides of the raft,  you ride head first and stomach dropping into the tumultuous waves of Big Kahuna!

Soaking wet and out of breath you emerge from the waves...ALIVE!  My cousins genius navigation has not only saved you from a sure fate of drowing and churing in the boulders of Big Kahuna, you're also euphoric!

Then again, as my father says, "Mess with the Bull, you get the horns."

I want to be clear.  Sex post d-day is extremely dangerous water to cross.  It's like the Bull, if you have the right guide you'll come out alive.  If not, you'll get the horns.

You are all such wonderful readers, really!  I feel your pain, your loss and your triumphs.  Recently, I've received a lot of emails asking how to recreate a love-life and intimacy post discovering a porn/sex addiction.  I am only one woman, with only one experience, but there are many who have gone into the depths of Big Kahuna and come out ALIVE!   I'll share my opinions on the subject and hope you will join the conversation too.

Scab's Guide to Post D-Day Love Making
Rule # 101: Buy Matching Sweaters

Scab's guide to post d-day love making

"Sex is such a strange, strange thing.  It can be so healthy and healing, and so unhealthy and destructive.  An expression of deepest longings for each other or a weapon to be wielded in an abusive onslaught of the other person's very soul."
                                                                             - our lovely friend Angel 

Rule #1:  You don't have too.

He will survive.  You will survive.  In fact, I believe a little fasting (or a lot of fasting)  from sexual intimacy after d-day is good for the loins, the heart and the mind.  And, if you decide to move on, that there is too much damage, then do so.  Jacy taught me this.  She's a beautiful example of moving on, healing and finding happiness in life after such a devastating experience.  She knows first hand, you are never required to stay or create intimacy when there isn't any.

Jess a member of the Hope and Healing forum made this comment and I wanted to add it to Rule #1
"I think that it is so important to know that it's okay to say no and its okay to feel what you need too - he will survive! I also think on the flip side, if that is what you need and want - ask for it! Don't wait until your hubby asks, YOU are just as important and you can tell him that right now, this is what I need. "

Rule #2  Be safe.

Use protection.  Both partners must be tested for STDs.  Not the anonymous register online and go to a blood lab testing.  A real physician must examine each of you along with blood and other necessary testing.  Mr. Scabs get regularly tested.  I hate to say this, but even if your husband is a porn addict and hasn't acted out, I would insist on a STD test anyway.  Better safe than dealing with "the clap". 

If either of you are positive for any STD, don't have sex.  Get medical help right away.  There's a whole world of sexual dangers out there.  Don't risk it.  The onslaught of an STD is sure to trigger deep emotional pain and sex would only intensify the pain and betrayal.  I remember the pain of thinking I had contracted some disease, terrible.

Physical/verbal abuse.  If physical abuse is occurring to either you or you children this is a gigantic RED FLAG.  No amount of sexual attention you bestow on your abuser is going to stop them from hurting you or your children.  RUN.  Pack your car, take your children and go stay with family, friends or a women's shelter.  Stop at a fire station or police station, someone will help you.  Get the hell away.  You and your children's physical safety is the number one priority.

Emotional safety.  Check yourself.  Feel your feelings.  Are you stable enough for intimacy?  Are you moving toward a physical connection because you want too?  Are boundaries being respected?  Honesty? Is emotional intimacy building between you two?  Is your self-esteem intact?  If yes.  Then you get green light for some love making.

Are you being pressured?  Do you feel sex will solve problems?  Do you think sex will control the addiction?  Do you think the addiction is because you weren't good in bed, or your boobs were the wrong size or your rear end has some dimples?  If yes.  Then stop.  You might be too vulnerable and not have had enough healing for sex.

Rule #3 Change the sheets.

Get some new bedding.  Rearrange the furniture.  Change the scene.  These adjustments can give you a fresh perspective and keep useless triggers at bay.  I bought fresh bedding.  I threw away his old body wash, the smell was a trigger.  He bought new underwear (of course he had too...remember, i lit all his undies on fire).

Rule #4 Go slow.

My blog friend, Elsie, shared this rule with me.  Stop if your uncomfortable.  Build your confidence together.  Take it slow.  Talk about it.  Go to a therapist knowledgeable in porn/sex addiction, someone who can guide you through the choppy waters of building intimacy.

Mr. Scabs would ask for a hug or some hand holding and I couldn't.  Instead I would hold his hand with my index finger.  It was a joke, a funny take on reality.  I couldn't touch him.  I had the darkest feelings of disgust for him.  The one-fingered hand hold evolved into two fingers, then three and then one day I was ok actually holding his hand.  Some days I revert back to the one-fingered hand hold.  And that's ok.

Sex is an enormous step take it slow. Is there anything more vulnerable than being buck naked in bed with the man who has betrayed you?

Rule # 5 Mutual Commitment.

Communicate and make sure you share the same intimacy goals.  Talk about hard things, angers, resentments, fears the future.  If there isn't open dialog then you might not be safe opening yourself to sex.

Rule #6 Work Your Recovery 

My friend from the Hope and Healing forum came up with this one.  She says,

 "I have heard of some bad experiences where women have taken it too far the other way, withholding intimacy in anger, never doing their own recovery work, etc. I think real self-honesty has got to be important too, no?"
I remember doing this.  I did this the first 9 years of my marriage where I thought  Mr. Scabs worst sin was indulging in a little pornography.  I withheld lots of intimacy.  Anger and disgust filled me and punishment was the name of the game.  Just recently I've softened and healed a little and felt honest  enough with myself to see that I took it too far.

On the flip side, guilt and self-punishment will only take us farther away from healing.  So, I had a healthy amount of guilt about withholding sex as punishment and I changed my attitude and moved on.  Really, there is no reason to dwell on the past.

So, that's it.  If your heart feels ready, take the leap.  No regrets, no matter if you stay together or break up.  
Riding the Bull is a terrifying experience. I'm still riding.  Find support, all us girls have been heart broken and we can help each other.  This is a big step and if you're without a guide you might find yourself flailing in the unforgiving waters.  Watch the video below to see what happens when you don't have a guide.

Like my Dad says, "You mess with the Bull, you get the horns."
Looks like these guys got the horns.