|Is the horse or rider more insane?|
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Read the previous entry here.
I don't usually tell the ending of a story before it begins but this time I think I should.
In the next few weeks I'm going to share my darkest stories. They were the times I was desperately out of control grasping for anything solid to stand on but nothing would hold me. I felt like a trapped wild animal rabid with fear! My feral eyes darting, searching for escape. Frantically clawing at my cage until I passed out. I'm ashamed to say I was so insane. But, it is true.
I lost my mind.
I couldn't see past his addiction. It consumed every breath I took. WHY would he throw his family away? WHY would he choose garbage and sluts over us? I was wasting away. WHY didn't he grow a pair and do everything necessary to repair the damage? WHY? All he had to do was A, B, C and (magic wand) wa-laaa! Life would be cured.
But, he wasn't interested in A, B or C or any other method of healing.
"JUST DO IT!!" I screamed until my vocal chords went silent.
Although this phase of healing was the darkest, it led me to
my most important discovery.
This excerpt is cut and pasted from the Hope and Healing Forum. My blogging BFF, Jane, suggested I share this. This thread was inspired by "S", click here to read her story. To see all the entire converstion click here (you might have to register first).
And I just have to add, in my own experience, there is some kind of magic in leaving him to his own devises.
I know, we all want our husbands to choose the right thing, right now! Believe me, I tried all kinds of manipulation and convincing tactics that weren't so convincing. I kept hanging on by a thread thinking there was something I could do to reach his heart to make him see to make him want to keep himself safe from his addiction. All this did was painfully eat away at my soul until I felt empty. That is an awful place to be. It took a long time. I blamed myself for so much...but slowly the reality sunk in that just like I didn't cause it, i couldn't do anything to heal it. This was his.
And when the time was right, I could heal our marriage if there was a mutual respect to do so. But there wasn't at that time so I had to detach and take care of me and my kids. I really believe this is so essential in the healing process, detach yourself. Detach with love (as my sponsor says). Let them know you love them and wish them the best in their healing journey. Be kind and loving but just detach. Seal off your vulnerability. Now is not the time for vulnerability. They can earn it all back but first you need to heal and he needs to heal.
True, it's terrifying. Detaching brings a lot with it. My spouse didn't like it. I was no longer playing the manipulation game with him. I just walked away and he couldn't stand it. He would get angry. And inside i was terrified he would act out and destroy everything. This was such a consuming fear, but I had to let it go. Because truthfully he would act out regardless of how tightly i was or wasn't hanging on. I was terrified he would say, "fine, you don't even love me. Im leaving".
All these fears could become a reality. And we need to be ok that there are no guarantees when it comes to our marriages. I will be happy with or without Mr. Scabs. No matter what happens, I will be the best mother I can, a good friend, I will love unconditionally and most of all I will love myself.
Detaching is our way of saying, "I do not accept this behavior in my life."
It may take time and this is where patience and enduring to the end is required. Our Father does not want his daughters to live in such dark places. Detaching will bring you light and understanding and clarity on what you can do to heal. And that is where you will gain your own confidence to make those hard decision.
Sorry for such a long reply...obviously I have a passion for this. It took me 10 years to finally detach from my husband. Manipulation on both sides was part of our marriage. But it wasn't until I detached that I made amazing changes and so did he. For the first time in his life Mr. Scabs is a changing man.
I feel like this is the absolute foundation of recovery for me. I MUST detach. I can set a thousand boundaries, attend a thousand meetings, read a thousand books, but if I can't let go of this I'm doomed to misery and disappointment.
Anyway, save these words somewhere Scabs, cuz they are the clutch play, the game-changer.
After I learned this, everything changed.
This is my most valuable discovery.
Like Jane says it is the
"clutch play, the game-changer."