Miracle #1


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November 2011

This one is for Snowy (she commented here) and all of us who've spent entire nights crying instead of sleeping.  The uncertainty of the days before us trapping us into slobbering, blubbering, sleepless zombies.

Dissolution.  The "Dissolution of Marriage" documents weighing like a bag of stones in my lap.  It's a deep word.  To abolish, rupture, eradicate, not just erase but cruelly dissolve, reducing our marriage into liquid form and then evaporating into a black puff of smog.

That night I dissolved too.  Reduced to liquid; leaking tears and uncontrollable nose drips.  I spent the darkness, alone, burning into the cushy softness of my king size bed...no solace.  The clock ticking farther into the inky night.  The tick-tock drowning in my ears, vibrating in my brain.  Crying hot tears till my eyelids felt like sandpaper, grating and burning the whites of my eyes until I looked like the devil himself.  My misty blue eyes blistering from the burning hell of my eyeballs.

It feels like a weary, bottomless hell, doesn't it?

I begged God to please knock me out.  Tranquilize me.  Sedate me.  And you know what?  Miracle #1, He did.  I was knocked out.  I slept blissfully in a snoozy mess of tear soaked pillows and sheets.

In the morning, my crusty eyes opened.  I peeled my face from the wrinkled damp pillow.  Everything looked the same, but I was restored.  One night of sleep was all I needed to shake the zombie and step into the uncertainty of the days before me.