November 2010-May 2011
Mr. Scabs betrayal is a bottomless pit that's sucking my beating heart right out of my chest, leaving me stammering and vapid. I am unrecognizable. Almost instantly the dark, numb fog rolls in from the harbor. Nothing can be believed in. Not even the fog can be trusted. All at once the Fog is my guardian and my hearts deepest traitor. The Fog looks a bit like Christopher Walken, who is simultaneously my favorite and least favorite actor. With his pale skin, muddy eyes, cold fingers and nervous habits the Fog teeters between protecting me from pain and knocking me into dull denial.
The Fog teaches me that pain is pain no matter how it comes to you.
And after some time, the Fog nervously floats off in his tiny boat with a small ash-colored sail. He is always skirting near the shore, his muddy eyes watching for that paralyzing moment he can both protect and destroy me. The Fog will always be a blessing and a curse.
May 2011 began the uncovering of all the gory details. And I suppose every betrayed spouse must decide...
"Do I want the gory truth or not? If I pursue the gory truth and come up empty, how will I move on? If get the the gory truth, how will I move on? If I don't want anything to do with the gory truth, how will I move on?"
The gory details can cause violent dry heaves and nightmares. They can inspire hatred and revenge. The gory details can sink you into the deepest depression of wondering, "why wasn't I good enough?". Or, they can put and stop to your endless imagining.
I needed a "stop" and so I choose to hear every gory detail. My imagination unfolded an underworld of perversion and weirdness I never knew before. My mind had predetermined Mr. Scabs guiltiness of every possible and impossible crime, despite reality. And so, we began an uncovering process.
I imagine there is a rotting fear that paralyzes a man in Mr. Scabs position. Looking back I see the incredible amounts of humility and trust it took for him to uncover that hidden man. To tell the unblinding truth. To speak his fearless moral inventory.
With the most livid lips I use to scream, "You risked everything by screwing around and lying!!! It was all for WHAT??!!" I'd throw my hands in the air and string along a few other slurs of insults and swear words (that was Insanity).
Now, I see something I could never have seen amidst the Fog, Insanity or any other characters I've met along this journey. Along side the Big Thaw there is an undercurrent and I am just beginning to feel it. It is revealing itself and this is it:
It wasn't the mistakes and choices Mr. Scabs made that risked it all. Of course, he never should have done what he had done. Anyone can lie and cover and delete internet histories and text messages and pretend, and cycle and repeat and lie some more and build a happy exterior persona for the world to see but it is with fear in your bones and faith in your heart that you speak real words. That is the true moment you risk it all. The moment you share the knowledge of what you are, the vulnerability, the open heart surgery.
Everything is at risk then. That is the moment you either live or die.
And just an observation to all those who are trapped. I have an infinite amount hope for your own change and I have noticed that those who risk it all, live. That is the truth.
So, today, it is with the deepest compassion, respect and love that I look back at the Mr. Scabs of 2011. Among the cycling mistakes and mis-steps, he found enough bravery, courage and love for himself and I to risk it all--really risk it all-- and tell the gory truth.