Backyard Taco

Me, circa 1986, not really but I wish

I get a little jeally when I see the cute little family at Backyard Taco.  You know the one, the husband holding the hand of the adorable pregnant wife and 3 well behaved little kids following them around.   Eating tacos, drinking horchata, I think I can see the love in their eye as they chat; is that what love looks like?  Ahhh, comparison (it is the thief of joy).

I get a little jeally because being married to an addict, for me, has become a bit like living with infertility.  I am not in a position to get pregnant.  As much as I would have loved more children, it hasn't worked out that way.  Years of wondering why he didn't want another child confused me. I thought he was waiting for the right moment.    This is one of my greatest unresolved pains.  A loss.

I have been given two healthy, amazing children.  And, this feeling does not diminish them, In fact, we share this heartache together; they wish for more siblings.  An addition to our tribe.  Another brother, another sister.  Another connection.

As Jane pointed out to me the other day, we are asking for the bare minimum in a marriage, not a brood of little towheads or a perfect lunch at Backyard Taco.  We're asking for loyalty.

Do the hard work guys.  Fight laziness.  Cultivate self-awareness and empathy.  Get gung-ho, balls to the wall, hyped up.  Make getting healthy your number one priority!  Love is so much more fulfilling than addiction.

I truly believe anything can be healed, anyone can change.  I am proof.  And I started by rejecting the worlds lie that change is hard and practically impossible and you are what you are.

Change isn't that hard.  I love change!  I love it!  And, it all starts with believing.

I believe.